Let it go

My eyes are a little teary right now. I just let go of something that meant a lot to me: Eli's baby gear. The stroller, the infant car seat & base, the swing. For years now I've seen it all sit idle. Well covered, but exposed enough that my desire to use it again came to my heart with each visit to the garage. It was time. The carseat will soon expire and the set all matches, it only made sense to see it go together. But still, my heart tugs for the chance to pull a sweet-smelling newborn out of the carseat and into my arms. I want to go for a walk with that stroller and proudly show off more offspring.

In many ways I have come to grips with our infertility. I am a happy person and know where true peace is found. Whether I am a mother to one or thirteen I know the Lord loves me the same. It's His plan after all. My will, my desires need to be swallowed up into His. However, some days are just hard. Today it's because I sold the baby gear. On another day it's because someone is expressing concern because they think they're pregnant and they don't want another one. There was even one day I became pensive because I passed Walgreen's, where I purchased the home pregnancy test that finally (finally!) gave me two lines--only to be completely heartbroken a few weeks later. There is not really a way to predict what brings on the sadness. I do my best not to let it consume me, but I do feel ok about experiencing the emotions when they come by.

It's these very emotions that bring me to my knees and draw me to a Savior that frees me from them. I know that the best is yet to come. Life in this world might not provide the number of children I desire. I will never have the family 'plan' that I want. But that is exactly what this post is about.

I need to let it go.